Mother's Day

Have you seen the cover of the new Time Magazine? (May 21, 2012.) I find it disturbing, but I am of a different generation: children were to be seen not heard, waited for their parents to sit at the table, couples had children to help the family in the fields and kitchens, children learned to be autonomous, independent adults by learning from the hard knocks of life in an environment where they knew they were loved, but knew they lived their own lives. Those sentiments appear to be gone. Today’s moms and dads place the child at the center of their universe and work hard to ensure that their child never experiences pain, disappointment, rejection, angst or unrequited desire. Dr. Spock would say turn from the cry, Dr. Sears would say rush to the cry. I’m a Spock mom.


(Grandparents are worse. How many screen savers have you seen with scrolling pics of second generation infants, toddlers, youngsters? Really? I turn on my computer for functionality, for purpose, for communication, for information. It is a tool. I am as likely to scroll a picture of grandchildren on my screen as I am to laminate the same on my hammer. The same is true of my cell phone. I will call multiple generations, but not have their pictures staring at me from the screen.)

I’ve postured before on the difference between Tiger Moms and Bear Moms, and this is another verse in the same song. I am not talking to the teenage moms whose children are born out of wedlock, or to the welfare moms who lack the skill and education to raise their own kids, or to the number of unwanted children in adoption homes and on church steps. I am talking to all of you who have kids and the means to provide for them.

If your child is the center of your life you should not celebrate Mother’s Day. First, your children will not understand why they should honor you if you spend all your time honoring them. If you have sacrificed your life so that they will be happy, they will not get it that they should give you anything for the choice you made. Secondly, in the midst of celebrating Mother’s Day they will likely whine and complain as they have learned to be the center of your universe (and via the transitive property do not understand when they are not the center of everyone’s), and are dumbfounded when the focus shifts. If you are that kind of mom, you will succumb, as you always have, to the whine and attend to their needs re-ordering their universe as they have come to expect. If every day is children’s day then mother’s day has no meaning. If you had children because you need to be unconditionally loved by someone, I suggest that looking to any mortal, much less young, small dependent ones, is a mistake. The real aim of parenting is to help small dependent humans become large, strong independent and interdependent adults with an iron core of values that will not melt in times of economic need or worldly temptation.

The grand secret, of course, is that no matter what your children do, you will love them; and no matter what you do, they will love you. The second not so grand secret is that your children are and will be a direct reflection of the kind of person you are. Know what you believe in and stand for and teach that to your kids. Be a parent. Don’t be subtle. Say “no” and mean it.

As my daughter pulls out of the driveway and waves, tugging at my heart and filling me with the pride and joy of knowing I have raised independent, caring adults who know how to think for themselves, know what they stand for, contribute to our society and who care deeply for others, I can celebrate Mother’s Day knowing my early work is done. Hope you feel the same. Then we can honestly say Happy Mother’s Day to me and to you. We earned it.