Outgrowing Men

I am in a quandary, and I prefer to think about this out loud, (well, typed and published), than simply ponder in endless circles. I have friends in pain and look for a way to help.


I have buried four husbands. (No, I do not think I killed them, though I am a demanding old broad.)  I have had a couple of lovers along the way as well. I think I know something about men, though will never claim to be an expert.

It has been my observation that many men simply do not emotionally grow up. They get stuck in high school and cannot move on. Characteristics of such boy-men include a strong desire to control, a strong desire to protect, a sense of jealousy that springs suddenly and surprisingly, and continuous efforts to keep their female partner from growing. That would mean the woman has outgrown the man, at least in the emotional maturity department.

I think many women experience this. I think they respond in one of two ways: they pretend they are not growing for fear they will lose the stability they believe the man provides. It is nice to have a man who will be at home all night through the dark and things that go bump in the dark. It is nice to know you always have a date. It is nice to know that someone is there to split child rearing duties and contribute to the familial financial pot. And yes, it is nice to have sex on a regular basis without ruining one’s reputation. Women who sacrifice their own growth to appease the man suffer more and more as life goes on. I think they know what they are doing and gradually the resentment will grow. The resentment will grow if they develop new friends, promotions, and continue to seek to learn and grow while the male seeks to retard that growth rather than support it. While she is in response #1 however, she will abandon friends and behavior that threaten her partner. This will not be clear to her until years later, but it will become clear. It is my observation that a relationship like this will fall apart shortly after the children leave home and the woman realizes there is really no reason to stay. If so, then these women may begin to respond in the second way.

When a woman suddenly realizes she is missing much of life because her husband has become an anchor, another child to rear, then she begins to rethink her role. She is suffering and sacrificing because he is a child. She can begin to consider other options. Those options include things like making it very clear she intends to grow, she pursues promotions, degrees, travel, new colleagues and friends all the while her husband mopes and complains about his newly ambitious partner. The complaining accelerates the pursuit of growth. Some women will take a lover, some just a safe one-night stand, some will join a group that pulls them more and more out of the home. As a woman enters this second response she may be racked with guilt and shame, knowing she is behaving in ways contrary to her upbringing, her husband’s expectations, and her faith.

The guilt can become severe; the shame horrible. Depression can ensue. More and more risky behavior can occur. She may be experiencing brief moments of joy that yield hours of guilt and self flagellation.

I have two dear friends, both approaching 40, both with children, both in the process of seriously outgrowing their husbands. One is still in response mode #1, faithful, self-sacrificing, doing all that she is asked to do, fearful that her marriage will crumble. She is yet to see herself as her own person. She still sees her husband as her boss, not her partner. The other has entered response mode #2 but is racked with guilt. She knows she has much to contribute, much more to learn, and she is loving it, but hating the lack of support at home. She cannot return to response #1 and she knows it.

How do I help these wonderful female friends? Young enough to be my daughters; close enough to share their dilemmas, true friends both of them.

What I would like to do is sit their men down and slap them around and tell them to grow up. Tell them that in a partnership there is dialog. There must be mutual support. There cannot be demands made from fear. Petty jealousies, petty control, petty ground rules that allow the man to continue to act as though he were in high school playing macho bubba, beer drinker, hunter, tobacco chewer, and topless bar attendee while his wife must maintain the same behavior expected of a high school sweetheart and wife like those of the last century and millennia before. So sad.

It has been my experience, however, that one cannot talk to a person about a higher order of relationships when they are stuck in a lower order. They just do not get it. It is like talking physics to 2nd graders. I cannot help these women with their husbands by directly talking to the husbands. The husbands will not get it, and would run from such an encounter anyway. Nothing scares such men more than intelligent, liberated women who are not at all dependent on a male.

Shall I merely comfort, listen and prompt when it seems appropriate? I believe that is all I can do for now. I will just be there. If they call on me for my thoughts I will share. If not, sadly, I will sit on the sidelines and watch their relationships crumble while they personally grow.

Or is that how real growth occurs? Deep pain launching great strides?

I’m in a quandary.