I Love You,

and a good rare beef fillet, my dog, and a nice Pinot Noir. Amazing that we use the same word to describe how we feel about a variety of people, pets and things. As a dowdy octogenarian you might think I am not interested in love, but I am! I love and have loved many people in many ways and recently have engaged in dialog here at the home regarding what love means. (Admittedly, this conversation was triggered by those among us who first turn to the obituaries and sadly read of another lost friend. With heavy sighs I hear, “I really loved that guy.”) I have a very young friend, (that means around 30 something), who refuses to use the “L” word because I think she thinks it carries commitment. So sad. Many of us here perceive we are beyond the possibility of romance and that may qualify us as experienced and objective observers of the various loves we have all had in our rich lifetimes. The following are the fruits of our love talk.

I was blessed to have a father who was a Greek scholar. I remember many discussions around the dinner table as he would pontificate on New Testament interpretations based on the original Greek. Sadly, English has but one word for love. The Greeks had at least 4. (Wow. A culture that gave us Socrates, Aristotle, Plato, democracy and Zeus, plus a richer understanding of the word “love”! Wish I liked the food more.) Each of those 4 had very special meanings and it is difficult in our culture today to use our one measly word for a variety of complex and important emotional feelings and relationships. I will not do my father justice or the ancients, but I will share my sense of those various words and how I currently use them. This is to help all the little old men here relax and stop worrying that I am looking for husband number 5, or is it 6?. (Though, I might be! Time and gravity may have caught up with my externals, but inside I believe we all remain 21.)

Eros is the romantic, lustful love of those couples in the first stages of love. It is the love that quickens the heart and pulse; the infatuation, the “I can’t keep my hands off” love. It is passionate, it can be obsessive, and it triggers swoons and flushed cheeks. It is the Hollywood love, the romance novel love, the “there is only one love for me” fairy tale love. But while in the throes of it, Eros is wonderful! I "Erosed" all my spouses at first.

Philia is brotherly and familial love. It is a dispassionate virtuous love. It includes loyalty to friends, family, and community, and requires virtue, equality and familiarity. In ancient texts, philia denoted a general type of love, used for love between family, between friends, a desire or enjoyment of an activity. I Philia a steak dinner with friends. I Philia my friends.

Agape is the most commonly used word for love in the Bible. It means general affection, it means holding someone in high regard. It is the word Jesus used to describe his love for his disciples. It is the word that was used by Paul when writing to the factious church in Corinth. In fact, the famous verses in I Corinthians 13 about love were not at all addressed to a newly wed couple. They were addressed to members of a church with internal conflict, to men and women at odds: Agape is patient, agape is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Agape does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. This is the love of deep friendships. There is no Eros in agape, just deep general affection.

Storge means natural affection, affection between parents and children, between siblings, among family members. By definition I "Storge" those people, my son and daughter, their spouses, my grand kids, etc. It is a different kind of love, a love inherited by blood, kith and kin.

I felt Eros and agape for every spouse I ever had. I feel Philia for my community, service organizations, my church, and the friends with whom I meet for red meat and wine. I deeply celebrate all the agape I have felt for co-workers, neighbors, friends and partners. I have a friend named David for whom I feel a great deal of agape. We can go months without talking, and then pick right up where we were. There are no secrets, no hidden agendas. He wants the best for me and I want the same for him. We do not compete and not only does no one feel jealous of this love, his wonderful spouse celebrates our friendship. He is the one I call if I have had a little too much to drink, if I am in pain, if I am feeling unloved. I love David. No Eros.

And as to my young friend who will not use the “L” word? I agape her too, I just can’t tell her for fear she will not understand. She’s stuck with that one measly English word.

This posting was triggered by another dear friend who sent me a digital poster today that said, “I believe in the separation of Church and Hate.” I could not agree more. In this world we do not need more hate or more Eros. We need more Agape. When you receive some, return it and pass it on. Never pass on it.

Love to you all.